Connall had skipped going to Evening Songs so that he could talk with the travelers for a while before bed. He did that sometimes. Most of the fraters considered it wrong but Pater Barthis never scolded him for it, so he figured it must not be such a really bad wrong. He sat near one of the windows, watching a big man with a beard take a long gulp from a large waterskin. The traveler noticed him watching and stopped for a moment. “Want a taste?” he offered.
Connall took the skin and sniffed at it. Ale. He wrinkled his nose. “No, but thank you for offering,” he said politely as he handed it back to the man.
“No?” the traveler grinned. “What kind of man turns down my best brew?”
“I’m sorry,” Connall replied, “I don’t like the taste of ale.”
The big man burst out laughing. Connall could never quite understand what was so entertaining about offering him drinks, but lots of travelers liked to do it. Normally, Connall would take a sip or two, just to oblige them, but then anyone else with a bit of drink would start offering him some. Sometimes he exaggerated his disgust because they all thought it was so funny when he didn’t like it. And he really didn’t, mostly. He couldn’t stand the taste of ale or beer, but a little hot mead was alright on a cold night, and once he had tasted a sweet wine that was actually pretty good. Tonight, though, he wouldn’t be amusing the travelers that way. There were a lot of men here with flasks and skins at their belts, and all that drink would only make him sleepy.
Connall couldn’t allow himself to get sleepy. He had plans tonight.
Just then, as if he had willed them there with his thoughts, four fraters came shuffling through the hostel doors. The traveler beside Connall quickly corked his wineskin and tucked it into his pack. He thought about telling the man that the fraters really wouldn’t have a problem with his drink, but he knew it would be no use. Travelers always seemed to think the fraters would judge them harshly for even the slightest wrongs.
Connall watched as the fraters began adding kindling to the fires and stoking them up, then pulling the grates in front of the hearths to darken the room. The travelers all seemed to understand that this was the signal to go to sleep, and they quietly separated themselves into their own little parties and settled onto their cots and mats as if the fraters had cast a sleeping spell over them. Frater Torence raised an eyebrow at Connall as he smothered the candle in a nearby lantern. It was a look he often got from Frater Torence– it usually meant something like, I’ll pretend I didn’t see you doing wrong if you stop right now. Connall grinned at the frater and hurried to the dormitory.
He kept all of his clothes on as he climbed into his bed and pulled his blanket up to his chin. The novices he shared the dormitory with wouldn’t notice, but the frater who came to check on them in a few minutes would definitely know Connall was up to mischief if he saw his clothes. He had taken his shoes off though. It wasn’t really cold outside, and shoes would only make more noise sneaking in and out.
After a while, when the novices had all settled down in their beds, the door opened and Frater Nicken’s head poked into the room. Connall kept one eye open and watched as the frater counted everyone and then peered suspiciously at Connall for a minute. Apparently satisfied, the frater closed the door again and left to find his own bed. Connall waited a long time after that, until everything was dark and the room was filled with the noises of thirty-or-so sleeping youths.
Carefully, he rolled out of his bed and landed softly on the floor beside it. Then he felt along the side of his mattress until he found the hole, reached in, and pulled out the neatly folded strip of yellow cloth that the sorcerer had given him. He tucked it out of sight under the drawstring of his breeches, just in case, and then silently slipped out the door.
Connall kept to the darkest shadows as he scurried toward the garden gate. Once he was inside the garden, he checked to make certain no one was around, and then he pulled the cloth from his waist. He sniffed it. It now smelled a little like the straw from his mattress, but when he unfolded it he could still catch the scents of the forest, and the scent of magic.
He climbed a tree and sat on one of the high branches so that he could see the whole fence. He wondered if the sorcerer would be coming back tonight. Connall had done this for the past four nights since he had first met the wild boy. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but he hoped the sorcerer would come back, and if he did, Connall wanted to be there to see him.
This time he wouldn’t waste all the whole night just watching. This time he would talk to him more. Connall had so many questions. Like How does magic work? And What is your home like? And What do you use those stupid purple flowers for? And You don’t really eat babies, do you? Connall was fairly certain that last one was just a myth, but he wanted to be sure.
Connall waited for hours, but the boy never came. Finally he was too tired to wait any longer, and he stole back to his bed to get some sleep before Morning Songs. Maybe the sorcerer boy would come tomorrow.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
5- A Sacred Oath
Soren tied off the end of the little doll’s first leg and began weaving the other one. It was tradition for prospective acolytes to weave their sacred herbs into the form of a little man, to symbolize the source of his power being alive, or something like that. Over the centuries, the meanings behind many of their older traditions had been lost. But Master Alred said it was something along those lines.
Soren’s people had once kept books in which all of their ancient secrets were kept, and anyone who wanted to know could read about their history, about the Covenant their ancestors had made with the spirits from the other side, about the meanings behind all of their sacred traditions. But those books had all been destroyed when the Paters had come. When his people had gone into hiding, they were in small groups, with maybe only one or two Covenant-bound among them, and all that remained of their history now was what those few Covenant-bound refugees had managed to remember and pass on. Somehow in the generations since then, many of their ways had changed– no one was sure anymore which of their traditions were the sacred ways of their ancient ancestors and which of their traditions had been twisted by poor memories and misguided efforts to adapt to a new way of life. But even so, they had still somehow managed to keep the sacred Covenant of their ancestors.
Soren sighed, stopping a moment to stare at his half-finished herb doll. What was he doing? This Binding would ruin him. If it turned out as he’d always feared and he didn’t have the potential after all, he would have to live with that shame for the rest of his life. But now, even if he did have the potential– even if he could be bound– with that boy still alive, he was only giving himself up to a life of wretchedness and pain. And for what? To prove to everyone that he could?
No, he couldn’t back out now. He had been trying to prove his potential to everyone for the past ten years. To suddenly change his mind at the last second . . . It would kill his pride. No one would understand. He would just be seen as a coward.
If only he’d had the courage to tell Master Alred the truth. He would have known what to do.
But when Soren had returned from the Paters’ camp, the master had been waiting to inspect the herbs he’d gathered. Of course he’d noticed the blood right away. “What happened?” the master had asked.
“There was a Paters’ boy in the garden,” Soren had mumbled, “He saw me, and . . . ” He hadn’t been able to finish the sentence. And what? I accidentally cut him and then apologized and left him there, alive? He wondered what the master would have thought of that. And of course he couldn’t lie to a Covenant-bound master. So what could he have said?
But the master had assumed the rest of the story. Master Alred had wrapped him up in a warm hug and told him not to think too hard about it. “You did what you had to do,” the master had assured him. “We’ve all been forced to make these hard decisions from time to time. Just be glad that, because you did what had to be done, you were able to come back to us safely.”
What could he have said after that? The master had said that it was clever and resourceful of him to use the boy’s blood on the herbs. That Soren had been brave and strong and very mature about the whole incident. The master had been proud of him. How could he have corrected him at that point?
Even now, he couldn’t say anything. Soren continued weaving the second leg of his little doll. No, he had to go through with the Binding. Perhaps something would go wrong and Soren would just die halfway through the ritual. What did it say about him, that a sudden death was the best possible outcome he could hope for tonight?
Soren shook his head at that thought. He had to stop thinking about such things. He was supposed to be concentrating on all of his hopes and wishes for the future while he wove his herbs together.
Soren thought about all of his old dreams. He wanted to be a hero to his people. He wanted to somehow make all of the Paters go back to where they came from and restore all of his people to their ancient cities and rebuild the sacred places. He wanted to learn how to communicate with the spirits like his ancient ancestors used to do, and get them to tell him all of his people’s lost secrets so he could write them down in new books for future generations.
He knew that with a cursed Binding like his was sure to be, he would never grow old enough to become an elder, but he hoped to at least be able to achieve the rank of master, and possibly teach children about the Covenant like Master Alred did. He also thought it would be nice to one day be surrounded by family and friends who loved him and believed in him.
Suddenly his mind’s eye was filled with the image of that boy from the garden. Wide, innocent brown eyes, round rosy cheeks, soft yellow hair cropped short like a Pater’s. No, Soren would never get to realize any of those dreams. People whose lives were cursed didn’t get to see their wishes come true. He wondered if that boy would ever come to understand just how much Soren had given up, just so that he could have a life.
Probably not.
Soren tied off the last end of his herb doll and looked at it. It was ugly. He remembered when he was eleven years old, and Master Alred had taught him how to weave a doll like this. He had practiced with the grasses and vines that grew in the forest. Those dolls had always looked neat and pretty. Green and yellow and evenly woven . . . and clean. This doll was rough, with thorns and rough stalks woven into it. It was uneven and lumpy. Worst of all, it was caked through with dried blood. Every leaf and stalk in it had at least a few spots of dark brown stain. And the bloodiest bits were the little purple flowers. The blood had turned the tiny blossoms into a bunch of black, shriveled, ominous-looking things. He supposed this was what these dolls always ended up like. The herbs were always sprinkled with blood before they were woven together. And it was always these same herbs, so of course the dolls would always end up a bit thorny and mangled-looking. But for Soren it felt like some evil portent– an indication that some disaster was about to claim him.
Soren took a deep breath and looked around. The sun was low in the sky; it was getting late. He wrapped his herb doll tightly in a clean cloth and handed it to the master. He had spent the day in silence, to prepare himself for his Binding, so he did all of this wordlessly. Master Alred accepted Soren’s doll with a proud smile, but said nothing.
With that done, Soren gathered up his Binding robe and walked down to the creek to wash. His father had worn this same robe when he was bound. Soren’s grandmother had made it for his father when he was just a boy his age. Soren had heard of people sometimes wearing a grandparent’s robe or a great-grandparent’s robe, but he would be the first initiate to ever wear his own father’s Binding robe. It was strange.
He made sure to wash himself well in the cold creek water. He felt like he was breaking so many rules, so many traditions. Being fae-blessed and yet still trying to be bound. Using blood from a person who was still alive. He didn’t want to be dirty too, on top of everything else. He scrubbed the oil and sweat from his hair, and scraped the dirt from under the nails on his fingers and toes. He rubbed himself down from head to toe with the sand from the creek bed, and then he laid himself down in the deepest part of the creek and let the cold water run over him, rinsing off all of the sand and dirt and sweat until he was pink and raw and goose-fleshed all over.
Soren sat on an old tree stump to let himself dry off a little as the sun began to sink into the horizon. He thought about all of the possibilities that this night might bring as he leaned over to wring the water from his long, dark brown curls. Maybe everything would turn out alright. Maybe the whole idea of being cursed for using a live person’s blood was just a silly superstition. Or maybe it had some small seed of truth but it had been twisted out of proportion over the generations. Who knew? Maybe he’d been worrying and brooding all day over nothing. After several minutes, he got up and pulled on his father’s robe.
His father had been a lot bigger than he was.
For the thousandth time, he cursed his pathetic, skinny, bony body and trudged off toward the altar that the master had prepared for him. Maybe it would have been a good idea to do a little more manual labor, or maybe to eat a little more, while he was studying over the past few years. Now that he was about to be naked in front of everyone he knew, he would have liked to have at least a little muscle, somewhere on his body. Oh, well. It was too late to think about those things now. Maybe the spirits would take pity on him for being so puny and decide to just skip on the whole curse thing.
Soren was both relieved and disappointed to find the place nearly empty. Usually the whole community showed up for these rituals, but most of them seemed to think that Soren’s wasn’t going to be a real Binding, so it was a waste of time to attend. Still, he’d thought more people would at least be curious. His uncle was there, and Elder Maebys, and three of the higher-ranking Covenant-bound, and an acolyte who had studied with Soren until her Binding the year before, and of course Master Alred and his two remaining pupils. The master always made his pupils watch the Bindings, as a way of preparing them for their own. And there, hanging back by the edge of the clearing, were Cowan and his friends, probably waiting eagerly to see Soren fail.
Soren wrapped the big, loose robe tighter around himself and stepped into the clearing. Master Alred cleared his throat and lifted up a torch, and everyone fell silent. “We have among us one of our sons,” the master began as he gestured for Soren to approach the altar, “who wishes to take upon himself a heavy burden.”
Soren stepped inside the ring of stones that the master had prepared. “Soren the Twice-Blessed, son of the Master Eldan and the Guardian Corvys, comes before us as an initiate, ready to take up the Covenant of our ancestors, and to be bound by that Covenant for all time.”
The master touched his torch to the giant mound of kindling that was piled on top of the little knee-high clay altar that he had prepared. Soren shook nervously even as the fire behind him warmed his back and dried his still-damp hair. As the fire burned, the master brought out a large basin full of sweet-smelling, flowery water and a long, beautiful knife– one of the few sacred objects his people had been able to bring with them when they’d fled the great cities all those generations ago.
Soren removed his father’s Binding robe and handed it to Master Alred, trying to ignore the derisive snickering he heard from the boys at the edge of the clearing. Soren then spread his arms out wide as the master took the basin of water and slowly poured it over his whole body. “He has been cleansed!” the master announced.
Soren closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the master led him by both hands up onto the altar to stand in the center of the pyre. Master Alred had kindly prepared a cleared space in the middle, just big enough for Soren’s feet, where there was no kindling. Still, the clay of the altar was hot, and he could feel the flames on his skin, scorching the little hairs on his legs, and the blazing embers that surrounded his feet poked out to burn at his ankles and toes. But Soren endured it proudly, grateful that no one had decided to make him sit or lie down in the fire. Finally Master Alred shouted out, “He has been purified!” and led him back down to the cool, damp earth inside the little ring of stones.
The master then took a few handfuls of hot ash from the edge of the altar and smeared them across Soren’s chest and back, calling out, “He has been sanctified!”
Then Master Alred held out the knife and asked him, “Are you prepared to make this sacred oath and bind yourself to the Covenant of your ancestors for all time?”
“I am,” Soren replied as he took the knife from the master.
“I, Soren, present myself to those who bound my ancestors who came before me,” he recited. “I come humbled and naked, with nothing to my name, to bind myself with this sacred oath for the duration of my life, and for all time after.” He held out his right hand and sliced open the center of his palm. “I open my flesh, that the strength that filled the hands of my ancestors, may fill my hands also.” Soren looked down at his bloody hand. The wound sort of reminded him of the cut he’d given the boy in the garden. Then he opened his left hand and, without even thinking about it, he carved himself an exact replica of the boy’s wound. With both his hands bleeding, he held out the knife for the master to take it. “I spill out my life’s blood, for my life and my blood are no longer my own.”
The master then held out the little bundle that contained Soren’s herb doll. Soren opened the cloth wrapping and lifted out the little doll. It could easily have fit in the palm of one hand, but Soren cupped it in both hands as if it were a real little person. Soren continued reciting his oath as he held the bloodstained herbs carefully in his wounded hands. “I hereby swear, by the terms of the sacred Covenant of my people, to revere, obey, and protect the source from which I draw my strength, my life, and my power, and to do so with every part of my mind, my body, and my soul, until the end of my life and beyond my death, for all eternity. I also swear, by the terms of the sacred Covenant of my people, to have no higher loyalty to any other person, object, or entity, than the loyalty which I have for that sacred source which I serve.”
Soren touched the herb doll, which was now wet with his own blood, to the fire on the altar. When the head and arms began to smoulder, he lifted it high above his head. “I call upon those who bound my ancestors who came before me,” he shouted out, “I call upon them to uphold the Covenant that they made with my people, so that I may have the strength I shall need, to keep this sacred oath which I have now sworn!” And with that, Soren shoved the entire doll into his mouth and ate it. It tasted awful and it burned the inside of his mouth, but he managed to keep a straight face as he choked it down.
After he swallowed the last of it, Master Alred brought his father’s robe and draped it over his shoulders. Everyone who had gathered in the clearing was watching intently, waiting to see what would happen next. Soren stood there nervously, wondering whether or not he was crazy for having done this but knowing he could never take it back now.
Suddenly the air came alive with a thick crackling noise, and Soren felt a prickling on his spine, and a tingling on his scalp, and then his entire body began twitching uncontrollably, and then suddenly he felt as if he had been set on fire. He looked down and saw that there were no flames– nothing was touching him– but even so, he could feel himself burning. The pain was worse than anything he had ever experienced– he didn’t know what to do– and all the while the heat was growing stronger and hotter, until finally it was so bad that Soren couldn’t even scream anymore. He couldn’t breathe, and everything was spinning and tilting.
The last thing he was aware of was Master Alred’s strong arms wrapping around him as Elder Maebys leaned over him.
Soren’s people had once kept books in which all of their ancient secrets were kept, and anyone who wanted to know could read about their history, about the Covenant their ancestors had made with the spirits from the other side, about the meanings behind all of their sacred traditions. But those books had all been destroyed when the Paters had come. When his people had gone into hiding, they were in small groups, with maybe only one or two Covenant-bound among them, and all that remained of their history now was what those few Covenant-bound refugees had managed to remember and pass on. Somehow in the generations since then, many of their ways had changed– no one was sure anymore which of their traditions were the sacred ways of their ancient ancestors and which of their traditions had been twisted by poor memories and misguided efforts to adapt to a new way of life. But even so, they had still somehow managed to keep the sacred Covenant of their ancestors.
Soren sighed, stopping a moment to stare at his half-finished herb doll. What was he doing? This Binding would ruin him. If it turned out as he’d always feared and he didn’t have the potential after all, he would have to live with that shame for the rest of his life. But now, even if he did have the potential– even if he could be bound– with that boy still alive, he was only giving himself up to a life of wretchedness and pain. And for what? To prove to everyone that he could?
No, he couldn’t back out now. He had been trying to prove his potential to everyone for the past ten years. To suddenly change his mind at the last second . . . It would kill his pride. No one would understand. He would just be seen as a coward.
If only he’d had the courage to tell Master Alred the truth. He would have known what to do.
But when Soren had returned from the Paters’ camp, the master had been waiting to inspect the herbs he’d gathered. Of course he’d noticed the blood right away. “What happened?” the master had asked.
“There was a Paters’ boy in the garden,” Soren had mumbled, “He saw me, and . . . ” He hadn’t been able to finish the sentence. And what? I accidentally cut him and then apologized and left him there, alive? He wondered what the master would have thought of that. And of course he couldn’t lie to a Covenant-bound master. So what could he have said?
But the master had assumed the rest of the story. Master Alred had wrapped him up in a warm hug and told him not to think too hard about it. “You did what you had to do,” the master had assured him. “We’ve all been forced to make these hard decisions from time to time. Just be glad that, because you did what had to be done, you were able to come back to us safely.”
What could he have said after that? The master had said that it was clever and resourceful of him to use the boy’s blood on the herbs. That Soren had been brave and strong and very mature about the whole incident. The master had been proud of him. How could he have corrected him at that point?
Even now, he couldn’t say anything. Soren continued weaving the second leg of his little doll. No, he had to go through with the Binding. Perhaps something would go wrong and Soren would just die halfway through the ritual. What did it say about him, that a sudden death was the best possible outcome he could hope for tonight?
Soren shook his head at that thought. He had to stop thinking about such things. He was supposed to be concentrating on all of his hopes and wishes for the future while he wove his herbs together.
Soren thought about all of his old dreams. He wanted to be a hero to his people. He wanted to somehow make all of the Paters go back to where they came from and restore all of his people to their ancient cities and rebuild the sacred places. He wanted to learn how to communicate with the spirits like his ancient ancestors used to do, and get them to tell him all of his people’s lost secrets so he could write them down in new books for future generations.
He knew that with a cursed Binding like his was sure to be, he would never grow old enough to become an elder, but he hoped to at least be able to achieve the rank of master, and possibly teach children about the Covenant like Master Alred did. He also thought it would be nice to one day be surrounded by family and friends who loved him and believed in him.
Suddenly his mind’s eye was filled with the image of that boy from the garden. Wide, innocent brown eyes, round rosy cheeks, soft yellow hair cropped short like a Pater’s. No, Soren would never get to realize any of those dreams. People whose lives were cursed didn’t get to see their wishes come true. He wondered if that boy would ever come to understand just how much Soren had given up, just so that he could have a life.
Probably not.
Soren tied off the last end of his herb doll and looked at it. It was ugly. He remembered when he was eleven years old, and Master Alred had taught him how to weave a doll like this. He had practiced with the grasses and vines that grew in the forest. Those dolls had always looked neat and pretty. Green and yellow and evenly woven . . . and clean. This doll was rough, with thorns and rough stalks woven into it. It was uneven and lumpy. Worst of all, it was caked through with dried blood. Every leaf and stalk in it had at least a few spots of dark brown stain. And the bloodiest bits were the little purple flowers. The blood had turned the tiny blossoms into a bunch of black, shriveled, ominous-looking things. He supposed this was what these dolls always ended up like. The herbs were always sprinkled with blood before they were woven together. And it was always these same herbs, so of course the dolls would always end up a bit thorny and mangled-looking. But for Soren it felt like some evil portent– an indication that some disaster was about to claim him.
Soren took a deep breath and looked around. The sun was low in the sky; it was getting late. He wrapped his herb doll tightly in a clean cloth and handed it to the master. He had spent the day in silence, to prepare himself for his Binding, so he did all of this wordlessly. Master Alred accepted Soren’s doll with a proud smile, but said nothing.
With that done, Soren gathered up his Binding robe and walked down to the creek to wash. His father had worn this same robe when he was bound. Soren’s grandmother had made it for his father when he was just a boy his age. Soren had heard of people sometimes wearing a grandparent’s robe or a great-grandparent’s robe, but he would be the first initiate to ever wear his own father’s Binding robe. It was strange.
He made sure to wash himself well in the cold creek water. He felt like he was breaking so many rules, so many traditions. Being fae-blessed and yet still trying to be bound. Using blood from a person who was still alive. He didn’t want to be dirty too, on top of everything else. He scrubbed the oil and sweat from his hair, and scraped the dirt from under the nails on his fingers and toes. He rubbed himself down from head to toe with the sand from the creek bed, and then he laid himself down in the deepest part of the creek and let the cold water run over him, rinsing off all of the sand and dirt and sweat until he was pink and raw and goose-fleshed all over.
Soren sat on an old tree stump to let himself dry off a little as the sun began to sink into the horizon. He thought about all of the possibilities that this night might bring as he leaned over to wring the water from his long, dark brown curls. Maybe everything would turn out alright. Maybe the whole idea of being cursed for using a live person’s blood was just a silly superstition. Or maybe it had some small seed of truth but it had been twisted out of proportion over the generations. Who knew? Maybe he’d been worrying and brooding all day over nothing. After several minutes, he got up and pulled on his father’s robe.
His father had been a lot bigger than he was.
For the thousandth time, he cursed his pathetic, skinny, bony body and trudged off toward the altar that the master had prepared for him. Maybe it would have been a good idea to do a little more manual labor, or maybe to eat a little more, while he was studying over the past few years. Now that he was about to be naked in front of everyone he knew, he would have liked to have at least a little muscle, somewhere on his body. Oh, well. It was too late to think about those things now. Maybe the spirits would take pity on him for being so puny and decide to just skip on the whole curse thing.
Soren was both relieved and disappointed to find the place nearly empty. Usually the whole community showed up for these rituals, but most of them seemed to think that Soren’s wasn’t going to be a real Binding, so it was a waste of time to attend. Still, he’d thought more people would at least be curious. His uncle was there, and Elder Maebys, and three of the higher-ranking Covenant-bound, and an acolyte who had studied with Soren until her Binding the year before, and of course Master Alred and his two remaining pupils. The master always made his pupils watch the Bindings, as a way of preparing them for their own. And there, hanging back by the edge of the clearing, were Cowan and his friends, probably waiting eagerly to see Soren fail.
Soren wrapped the big, loose robe tighter around himself and stepped into the clearing. Master Alred cleared his throat and lifted up a torch, and everyone fell silent. “We have among us one of our sons,” the master began as he gestured for Soren to approach the altar, “who wishes to take upon himself a heavy burden.”
Soren stepped inside the ring of stones that the master had prepared. “Soren the Twice-Blessed, son of the Master Eldan and the Guardian Corvys, comes before us as an initiate, ready to take up the Covenant of our ancestors, and to be bound by that Covenant for all time.”
The master touched his torch to the giant mound of kindling that was piled on top of the little knee-high clay altar that he had prepared. Soren shook nervously even as the fire behind him warmed his back and dried his still-damp hair. As the fire burned, the master brought out a large basin full of sweet-smelling, flowery water and a long, beautiful knife– one of the few sacred objects his people had been able to bring with them when they’d fled the great cities all those generations ago.
Soren removed his father’s Binding robe and handed it to Master Alred, trying to ignore the derisive snickering he heard from the boys at the edge of the clearing. Soren then spread his arms out wide as the master took the basin of water and slowly poured it over his whole body. “He has been cleansed!” the master announced.
Soren closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the master led him by both hands up onto the altar to stand in the center of the pyre. Master Alred had kindly prepared a cleared space in the middle, just big enough for Soren’s feet, where there was no kindling. Still, the clay of the altar was hot, and he could feel the flames on his skin, scorching the little hairs on his legs, and the blazing embers that surrounded his feet poked out to burn at his ankles and toes. But Soren endured it proudly, grateful that no one had decided to make him sit or lie down in the fire. Finally Master Alred shouted out, “He has been purified!” and led him back down to the cool, damp earth inside the little ring of stones.
The master then took a few handfuls of hot ash from the edge of the altar and smeared them across Soren’s chest and back, calling out, “He has been sanctified!”
Then Master Alred held out the knife and asked him, “Are you prepared to make this sacred oath and bind yourself to the Covenant of your ancestors for all time?”
“I am,” Soren replied as he took the knife from the master.
“I, Soren, present myself to those who bound my ancestors who came before me,” he recited. “I come humbled and naked, with nothing to my name, to bind myself with this sacred oath for the duration of my life, and for all time after.” He held out his right hand and sliced open the center of his palm. “I open my flesh, that the strength that filled the hands of my ancestors, may fill my hands also.” Soren looked down at his bloody hand. The wound sort of reminded him of the cut he’d given the boy in the garden. Then he opened his left hand and, without even thinking about it, he carved himself an exact replica of the boy’s wound. With both his hands bleeding, he held out the knife for the master to take it. “I spill out my life’s blood, for my life and my blood are no longer my own.”
The master then held out the little bundle that contained Soren’s herb doll. Soren opened the cloth wrapping and lifted out the little doll. It could easily have fit in the palm of one hand, but Soren cupped it in both hands as if it were a real little person. Soren continued reciting his oath as he held the bloodstained herbs carefully in his wounded hands. “I hereby swear, by the terms of the sacred Covenant of my people, to revere, obey, and protect the source from which I draw my strength, my life, and my power, and to do so with every part of my mind, my body, and my soul, until the end of my life and beyond my death, for all eternity. I also swear, by the terms of the sacred Covenant of my people, to have no higher loyalty to any other person, object, or entity, than the loyalty which I have for that sacred source which I serve.”
Soren touched the herb doll, which was now wet with his own blood, to the fire on the altar. When the head and arms began to smoulder, he lifted it high above his head. “I call upon those who bound my ancestors who came before me,” he shouted out, “I call upon them to uphold the Covenant that they made with my people, so that I may have the strength I shall need, to keep this sacred oath which I have now sworn!” And with that, Soren shoved the entire doll into his mouth and ate it. It tasted awful and it burned the inside of his mouth, but he managed to keep a straight face as he choked it down.
After he swallowed the last of it, Master Alred brought his father’s robe and draped it over his shoulders. Everyone who had gathered in the clearing was watching intently, waiting to see what would happen next. Soren stood there nervously, wondering whether or not he was crazy for having done this but knowing he could never take it back now.
Suddenly the air came alive with a thick crackling noise, and Soren felt a prickling on his spine, and a tingling on his scalp, and then his entire body began twitching uncontrollably, and then suddenly he felt as if he had been set on fire. He looked down and saw that there were no flames– nothing was touching him– but even so, he could feel himself burning. The pain was worse than anything he had ever experienced– he didn’t know what to do– and all the while the heat was growing stronger and hotter, until finally it was so bad that Soren couldn’t even scream anymore. He couldn’t breathe, and everything was spinning and tilting.
The last thing he was aware of was Master Alred’s strong arms wrapping around him as Elder Maebys leaned over him.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
4- The Scent of Magic
The older boy put a hand on Connall’s head and mussed up his hair, then looked up at the sky, his pale blue eyes glowing in the morning light. Connall had never seen anyone who looked like that before. Was this what all sorcerers looked like?
Suddenly the hand on his head was gone, and the older boy was loping gracefully across the garden toward the outer fence. “Wait!” Connall called out as he watched the sorcerer throw one leg up as high as his head and hoist himself up. “Are you going to come back?”
The boy perched at the top of the fence for a moment and looked back at Connall, the sun behind him making a red-gold halo around the outline of his dark curly hair. This boy had long, pretty hair like a woman, but somehow it didn’t make him look girlish at all. It just made him look wild and magical. Connall had a sudden stray thought that he would like to grow his own hair out long like that.
“I don’t know,” the boy called back, and then he disappeared. Connall ran to the fence and peered through the gap between two of the slats. But the sorcerer was gone, and Connall could see nothing but trees at the edge of the forest.
He sat on the ground and leaned his back against the fence. His heart was beating so fast. It had been just like an adventure out of a story.
Connall had sneaked out to the garden the night before, just to prove Frater Avrid wrong about him being too tired for mischief, but after playing for a just a little while, he had gotten sleepy and had let himself close his eyes for just a few minutes.
He’d woken up in the middle of the night to find a sorcerer in the garden with him. Connall had watched him looking through the garden, cutting leaves off of the special plants– the ones Frater Avrid called the Witches’ Herbs. The frater had told Connall that wild sorcerers needed those herbs to work their evil magic. That was how he knew for sure that the wild boy was a sorcerer. That, and the fact that he looked so strange. Almost like he wasn’t really quite human. And his eyes had sort of gleamed in the darkness, like wolf eyes. Connall had been scared at first, but the sorcerer was a lot younger than he would have expected. He looked maybe fourteen or fifteen. About the age of a new novice. And he was so skinny.
Still, when the sorcerer looked right at him for the first time, Connall had almost screamed. But the older boy had just looked at him for a minute and then went right back to what he was doing. He didn’t try to work any evil spells on him and he didn’t try to get him with that long knife either. Connall had heard stories from some of the travelers about friendly sorcerers who were even willing to trade sometimes. He figured this boy was one of those. And if friendly sorcerers needed the Witches’ Herbs to work their magic, then maybe there was friendly magic too?
Connall wasn’t sure about that, and he wasn’t sure what the gods would think about him for having such thoughts either. But after thinking about it, he decided to help the sorcerer. He went to the far corner of the garden, right by the kitchen door, where Frater Avrid kept the little flowers he called purple dreamers. They were special plants that couldn’t take a lot of sunlight, so Frater Avrid kept them under a little brown tent. Connall had known the wild boy wouldn’t see them there, so he’d pulled out several large handfuls of them and brought them to him.
But he had accidentally startled the sorcerer, and . . .
Connall looked down at his left hand. There was the strip of bright yellow cloth that the sorcerer had pulled from his hair to bandage the cut on Connall’s palm.
Connall quickly unwrapped the cloth and pulled it off of his hand. Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, he darted to the big barrel of water by the garden gate and carefully dipped just the bloody part of the cloth into the water. He scrubbed at the spot, trying to wash out the blood without getting the rest of it wet. He didn’t want to risk washing off any of the magic that might be on it. When the spot was no more than a faint brown shadow, Connall wrung it out and then folded the cloth up neatly.
He held the dry part to his face and breathed in the scent. It smelled like the forest, and like smoke and spices and fresh-fallen autumn leaves, and there was another scent– a warm, sweet fragrance that was stronger than all the other smells. The sorcerer had smelled like that. That must be what magic smells like, he thought.
He looked at the little yellow cloth. He needed to hide it somewhere the fraters wouldn’t find it. If they could recognize the scent of magic . . . And even if they couldn’t, he didn’t want anyone else touching it. This was his proof that it hadn’t all been a dream. A treasured souvenir from his very first adventure. He dipped his face in the barrel of water and washed the garden soil from his cheeks, trying not to wet the top of his head where the sorcerer had touched him.
He glanced toward the dormitories where the fraters and novices slept. The sun was up, and they would be getting ready for Morning Songs by now. Trying to keep to the shadows, Connall darted from building to building until he got to the dormitory he shared with the newest novices. His bed was closest to the door, and as he slipped in he was fairly certain that none of the others had noticed him. Connall found the small hole in the side of his mattress and shoved the little strip of cloth in among the straw, then he changed into his clean tunic and breeches and skipped toward the sanctum as if it were any other day.
Connall sang along with everyone during the opening songs, his mind still full of the night’s excitement. Then the pater got up and started droning on and on about the Father Creator’s generosity and the Mother Protector’s watchful eyes and the Wise Child’s loving sacrifice, and Connall began to worry about his new secret.
He knew he couldn’t ever tell the pater or any of the fraters or novices about the boy he’d met in the garden. They would never understand. So of course he could never confess this secret with his other wrongs. But what would the gods think? Connall had heard the pater and the fraters say that the gods hated magic. That it was evil and forbidden. That sorcerers aligned themselves with demon spirits– the enemies of the gods.
But Connall found it difficult to imagine that nice older boy being involved with demons, or being enemies with the gods. He looked down at the cut on his palm. He knew that had been an accident. And it was more Connall’s fault than the sorcerer’s. And the older boy had looked so upset when he saw the cut. He had even wrapped it up for him. Did evil people act that way? It was all so confusing.
Connall wished he could hear it from the gods themselves. Who knew? Maybe the pater and everyone had gotten it mixed up? Connall thought of the Wise Child, and how he had pleaded with the Father and Mother to forgive everyone’s wrongs. How the Wise Child had taken all the wrongs of all the people in the world upon himself and had accepted the punishment for all of them. Then he had told the people to love each other and forgive each other. Would the Child really be angry with Connall for being nice to that sorcerer? He wasn’t really sure about that.
Then again, maybe it would be best if the gods just looked the other way for a while. Of course Connall knew he wouldn’t be able to keep a secret from the Mother Protector, but maybe if he was lucky she might not really be paying much attention to him right now.
When the pater was done talking, they sang another song and then it was time for Connall to go kneel in front of the pater. Since he was the youngest one there, he always had to go first.
“Plead for me, Pater, for I have wronged,” he said.
The pater put his hand on Connall’s head, in exactly the same place where the sorcerer had touched him. Connall resisted the sudden urge to flinch away. He didn’t want the pater’s bony old hand rubbing off any of the magic that might still be there. But he held still. “For what wrongs shall I plead, child?” the pater asked.
Oh, that was a good question. Connall swallowed and took a breath. “I left my bed after Evening Songs and walked the grounds at night,” he began, glancing at Frater Avrid to see if he had heard that part. “I was late to my daily work and made Frater Avrid cross.” Connall’s heart was thumping hard inside his chest and he could feel his face growing hot. He just knew the fraters could all see him turning red but he hoped they wouldn’t be able to guess why. “And . . . um . . . I climbed a tree in the garden and ate two apples without permission.”
The pater nodded solemnly. “And do you regret your wrongs?”
“I do,” Connall whispered.
“And will you try to resist these temptations in the future?”
“I will,” Connall promised.
The pater smiled at him like he always did. “Then you will be blessed. Go forth and do good works in earnest.”
“Thank you, Pater.” Connall returned to his place by the wall and breathed a heavy sigh. Somehow he had gotten through it without anyone suspecting anything. He clenched his left fist, digging his fingernails into the cut in his palm. He hoped it would leave a scar. He wanted to always be able to
look at it and remember his first adventure.
Suddenly the hand on his head was gone, and the older boy was loping gracefully across the garden toward the outer fence. “Wait!” Connall called out as he watched the sorcerer throw one leg up as high as his head and hoist himself up. “Are you going to come back?”
The boy perched at the top of the fence for a moment and looked back at Connall, the sun behind him making a red-gold halo around the outline of his dark curly hair. This boy had long, pretty hair like a woman, but somehow it didn’t make him look girlish at all. It just made him look wild and magical. Connall had a sudden stray thought that he would like to grow his own hair out long like that.
“I don’t know,” the boy called back, and then he disappeared. Connall ran to the fence and peered through the gap between two of the slats. But the sorcerer was gone, and Connall could see nothing but trees at the edge of the forest.
He sat on the ground and leaned his back against the fence. His heart was beating so fast. It had been just like an adventure out of a story.
Connall had sneaked out to the garden the night before, just to prove Frater Avrid wrong about him being too tired for mischief, but after playing for a just a little while, he had gotten sleepy and had let himself close his eyes for just a few minutes.
He’d woken up in the middle of the night to find a sorcerer in the garden with him. Connall had watched him looking through the garden, cutting leaves off of the special plants– the ones Frater Avrid called the Witches’ Herbs. The frater had told Connall that wild sorcerers needed those herbs to work their evil magic. That was how he knew for sure that the wild boy was a sorcerer. That, and the fact that he looked so strange. Almost like he wasn’t really quite human. And his eyes had sort of gleamed in the darkness, like wolf eyes. Connall had been scared at first, but the sorcerer was a lot younger than he would have expected. He looked maybe fourteen or fifteen. About the age of a new novice. And he was so skinny.
Still, when the sorcerer looked right at him for the first time, Connall had almost screamed. But the older boy had just looked at him for a minute and then went right back to what he was doing. He didn’t try to work any evil spells on him and he didn’t try to get him with that long knife either. Connall had heard stories from some of the travelers about friendly sorcerers who were even willing to trade sometimes. He figured this boy was one of those. And if friendly sorcerers needed the Witches’ Herbs to work their magic, then maybe there was friendly magic too?
Connall wasn’t sure about that, and he wasn’t sure what the gods would think about him for having such thoughts either. But after thinking about it, he decided to help the sorcerer. He went to the far corner of the garden, right by the kitchen door, where Frater Avrid kept the little flowers he called purple dreamers. They were special plants that couldn’t take a lot of sunlight, so Frater Avrid kept them under a little brown tent. Connall had known the wild boy wouldn’t see them there, so he’d pulled out several large handfuls of them and brought them to him.
But he had accidentally startled the sorcerer, and . . .
Connall looked down at his left hand. There was the strip of bright yellow cloth that the sorcerer had pulled from his hair to bandage the cut on Connall’s palm.
Connall quickly unwrapped the cloth and pulled it off of his hand. Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, he darted to the big barrel of water by the garden gate and carefully dipped just the bloody part of the cloth into the water. He scrubbed at the spot, trying to wash out the blood without getting the rest of it wet. He didn’t want to risk washing off any of the magic that might be on it. When the spot was no more than a faint brown shadow, Connall wrung it out and then folded the cloth up neatly.
He held the dry part to his face and breathed in the scent. It smelled like the forest, and like smoke and spices and fresh-fallen autumn leaves, and there was another scent– a warm, sweet fragrance that was stronger than all the other smells. The sorcerer had smelled like that. That must be what magic smells like, he thought.
He looked at the little yellow cloth. He needed to hide it somewhere the fraters wouldn’t find it. If they could recognize the scent of magic . . . And even if they couldn’t, he didn’t want anyone else touching it. This was his proof that it hadn’t all been a dream. A treasured souvenir from his very first adventure. He dipped his face in the barrel of water and washed the garden soil from his cheeks, trying not to wet the top of his head where the sorcerer had touched him.
He glanced toward the dormitories where the fraters and novices slept. The sun was up, and they would be getting ready for Morning Songs by now. Trying to keep to the shadows, Connall darted from building to building until he got to the dormitory he shared with the newest novices. His bed was closest to the door, and as he slipped in he was fairly certain that none of the others had noticed him. Connall found the small hole in the side of his mattress and shoved the little strip of cloth in among the straw, then he changed into his clean tunic and breeches and skipped toward the sanctum as if it were any other day.
Connall sang along with everyone during the opening songs, his mind still full of the night’s excitement. Then the pater got up and started droning on and on about the Father Creator’s generosity and the Mother Protector’s watchful eyes and the Wise Child’s loving sacrifice, and Connall began to worry about his new secret.
He knew he couldn’t ever tell the pater or any of the fraters or novices about the boy he’d met in the garden. They would never understand. So of course he could never confess this secret with his other wrongs. But what would the gods think? Connall had heard the pater and the fraters say that the gods hated magic. That it was evil and forbidden. That sorcerers aligned themselves with demon spirits– the enemies of the gods.
But Connall found it difficult to imagine that nice older boy being involved with demons, or being enemies with the gods. He looked down at the cut on his palm. He knew that had been an accident. And it was more Connall’s fault than the sorcerer’s. And the older boy had looked so upset when he saw the cut. He had even wrapped it up for him. Did evil people act that way? It was all so confusing.
Connall wished he could hear it from the gods themselves. Who knew? Maybe the pater and everyone had gotten it mixed up? Connall thought of the Wise Child, and how he had pleaded with the Father and Mother to forgive everyone’s wrongs. How the Wise Child had taken all the wrongs of all the people in the world upon himself and had accepted the punishment for all of them. Then he had told the people to love each other and forgive each other. Would the Child really be angry with Connall for being nice to that sorcerer? He wasn’t really sure about that.
Then again, maybe it would be best if the gods just looked the other way for a while. Of course Connall knew he wouldn’t be able to keep a secret from the Mother Protector, but maybe if he was lucky she might not really be paying much attention to him right now.
When the pater was done talking, they sang another song and then it was time for Connall to go kneel in front of the pater. Since he was the youngest one there, he always had to go first.
“Plead for me, Pater, for I have wronged,” he said.
The pater put his hand on Connall’s head, in exactly the same place where the sorcerer had touched him. Connall resisted the sudden urge to flinch away. He didn’t want the pater’s bony old hand rubbing off any of the magic that might still be there. But he held still. “For what wrongs shall I plead, child?” the pater asked.
Oh, that was a good question. Connall swallowed and took a breath. “I left my bed after Evening Songs and walked the grounds at night,” he began, glancing at Frater Avrid to see if he had heard that part. “I was late to my daily work and made Frater Avrid cross.” Connall’s heart was thumping hard inside his chest and he could feel his face growing hot. He just knew the fraters could all see him turning red but he hoped they wouldn’t be able to guess why. “And . . . um . . . I climbed a tree in the garden and ate two apples without permission.”
The pater nodded solemnly. “And do you regret your wrongs?”
“I do,” Connall whispered.
“And will you try to resist these temptations in the future?”
“I will,” Connall promised.
The pater smiled at him like he always did. “Then you will be blessed. Go forth and do good works in earnest.”
“Thank you, Pater.” Connall returned to his place by the wall and breathed a heavy sigh. Somehow he had gotten through it without anyone suspecting anything. He clenched his left fist, digging his fingernails into the cut in his palm. He hoped it would leave a scar. He wanted to always be able to
look at it and remember his first adventure.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
3- The Paters’ Garden
Soren crept through the dark forest, quietly moving closer to the flickering glow of the Paters’ torches. He had never been this close to the Paters’ camp before. He had heard about it, and Master Alred had even shown him a map of it. He climbed a tree near the fence and crouched on a thick branch to have his first look.
There were torches blazing at regular intervals along the high wooden fence, but inside the grounds were dark, with only a few dim lights here and there. There were bright torches by the doors to the large building in the center. That must be where the Paters worshiped their gods. And off in the corner near the big gate by the road was a long building full of windows where he could see fires burning and people moving around inside. That would be where they allowed their followers to stay when they came seeking a night’s shelter. Soren’s people knew better than to seek the hospitality of that place, even on the coldest and wettest journeys.
After identifying those two buildings, he could easily make out the rest of the compound from the map that Master Alred had shown him. There were the three buildings where the Paters slept at night. Soren found himself wishing he could just bar the doors to those buildings and set fire to the whole lot of them. Burn the Paters like they burned his own people.
But that wasn’t why he was here.
Soren finally found the flat rectangular building where the Paters ate their meals. Behind it, he could just barely make out the low fence that surrounded what should be the Paters’ garden. He climbed down from the tree and began stalking through the forest toward that far corner of the Paters’ camp.
There were torches on the fence there too, but Soren knew that he wouldn’t be seen if he climbed over it by the garden. From where the Paters slept, the food building blocked their view of that area.
Soren hoisted himself up, groaning under his breath as he did so. He was feeling much better after sleeping all day, but his ribs and back still hurt a lot from the beating he’d endured that morning. He reached the top of the fence and saw that the ground below him was covered by a row of thick shrubs. Sighing, he inched along the fence until he found a patch of bare earth large enough to drop down onto.
The ground was softer than he had expected, and instead of landing in a sturdy crouch like he had intended, Soren stumbled and fell face-first into the moist, loose soil. For once, he was glad that he was doing this alone. He closed his eyes and pictured the herbs he needed. Unlike the others who had done this before, he wouldn’t be needing a torch or a candle to find what he was looking for. His fae-blessed eyes could see well enough without that.
Before the Paters had come, the sacred binding herbs had grown wild, and young initiates like Soren would have left the great cities to spend weeks out in the forests, purifying their minds as they searched for the places where they grew.
But then the Paters had arrived with their gods and their torches, spreading their words of love and tolerance and forgiveness, and killing anyone who refused to conform to their teachings. And those of Soren’s people who chose to remain faithful to the old ways and uphold the sacred Covenant of their ancestors had been forced to go into hiding. And when the Paters learned which plants were necessary for their Bindings, they took it upon themselves to seek out those plants and destroy them.
But they didn’t destroy it all. Separately, the herbs each had their own uses for healing and cooking, so the Paters had kept a small amount to grow in their own gardens. They did trade it, but that trade was so tightly controlled that none of Soren’s people ever had any hope of getting it that way. Some had tried to grow the plants from cuttings taken from the Paters, but so far no one had managed to get the cuttings to take root.
No, the only way to get what they needed now was to steal it, in the dark of night, right from the Paters’ gardens. And that was how Soren had ended up covered in dirt in the middle of the night, crouching among neat, orderly rows of vegetables, risking his life to steal a handful of leaves.
He glanced around, making certain once again that he was alone, then he slowly stood and brushed the dirt from his clothes and began inspecting the plants closest to him. Ordinary cabbages. Soren sighed. This garden was huge, and he had no idea where to find what he was looking for. He decided to start from one corner and move in straight lines, working his way to the opposite corner, so that he was sure to cover every bit of ground and wouldn’t miss anything.
It was tiresome work, and Soren’s mind was beginning to wander when he suddenly came upon the very last thing he might have expected to find in the Paters’ garden. Someone was lying curled up between two rows of turnip plants. Soren carefully pulled the knife from his belt and crept closer.
It was a child. A small boy, maybe eight or nine years old, with short-cropped yellow hair and rosy cheeks. Soren could hear the child’s soft, even snoring and knew he was really asleep. Why would a child be sleeping here? Master Alred had said that only grown men lived in this place. Only Paters. Perhaps the boy was one of the Paters’ followers? Or maybe he had some special purpose for being there. Maybe the master was wrong and there were actually Paters this young. Whatever the reason, Soren just hoped the boy didn’t wake easily. If he woke and somehow alerted the others, Soren would be burned by first light. But Pater or not, he just couldn’t bring himself to kill a sleeping child.
He quietly stepped away from the boy and continued his search. He needed to find everything and leave quickly, before he was seen.
Almost three hours later, he had two of the plants he needed in the small sack at his belt. Just three more and he could get out of there. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the three images in his mind. Master Alred had lent him drawings of all five herbs so that he would recognize them on sight, and he had seen a few actual specimens that were dried and pressed, so he knew exactly what to look for. This place was just so big, and the plants could be anywhere. Soren sighed and glanced up at the sky. He needed to find them quickly, before first light.
Suddenly he had the eerie feeling of being watched. Soren froze for a moment, then glanced back toward the turnips. The boy was sitting up, large dark eyes silently staring straight at him.
Soren’s fingers inched toward his knife as he thought of all the possibilities. If the boy stayed quiet and didn’t move, then perhaps Soren could just get what he needed and leave without having to do anything he might regret. But if the boy began to shout, how long would it take for Soren to get over there and silence him? And how much shouting would it take to wake the Paters? And if the boy ran . . . Soren looked the child over. He was probably about half his height, but he had a healthy build. Most likely, a fast runner. Would he be able to catch him? He tried to stay calm. Killing a child– even a Pater child– just wasn’t something he was eager to do, if he could avoid it.
He decided to continue his search for now, keeping a wary eye on the boy as he went. He needed those herbs. As he moved about, peering at leaves and shrubs, the boy just sat still and watched. After a while, Soren began to relax and his heart gradually stopped its wild drumming.
He found the third plant near a group of fruit trees and took a cutting of it for his sack, glancing back toward the turnips as he did so. The child was still there, watching him intently. Go back to sleep, he thought at him. Not that he expected it to work. Maybe after he was Covenant-bound, he might learn to do something like that. But for now, the boy didn’t lie back down. He simply sat there staring at Soren like he was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. It was a little unsettling, but at least it was preferable to running and screaming.
After another hour of searching, he finally found the fourth herb. Only one more, and he could go home. Soren took his knife from his belt and cut two shoots from it. He was just standing up when he felt two small tugs at the bottom of his tunic.
Soren whipped around and heard a small yelp as his knife connected with something. The boy stood there, clutching his hand to his chest, scrunching up his face in an obvious effort not to cry. Soren willed himself to stay calm. He hadn’t even heard the child approach.
The boy whimpered softly for only a moment, then took a deep breath and held it. Soren watched as the child knelt on the ground and began slowly gathering up the small purple flowers that were now scattered at his feet.
Soren blinked. He knew those flowers. He dropped down and started scraping them up, shoving handfuls into his pouch. When the boy held out the two bunches that he had picked up, Soren accepted them eagerly. This was the last of the herbs he needed. He could leave now.
He paused, and looked up at the child. “You helped me,” he stated.
The boy blushed and glanced away, then looked back at Soren. “You need them, right?” he asked.
Soren smiled. “Yes,” he replied, “I really do.”
The boy got an excited look on his face. “I knew it,” he breathed. “Are you really a sorcerer?”
Soren pulled back. A what? Of course he understood what the child meant, but he was shocked that he would ask such a thing. Just what kind of Paters’ boy was he? He thought for a moment, then answered, “Not really. Not yet.”
Soren looked down. The boy was clutching at his hand again. “Did I hurt you?” he asked.
“It’s only a scratch,” the boy said bravely. “I can handle it.”
Soren held out his own hand. “May I see it?”
The boy slowly unclenched his fist and placed it in Soren’s hand. A scratch? Soren shook his head. It was a deep cut. The tiny palm was covered in blood.
Blood.
Soren’s heart dropped into his stomach. He frantically opened his little bag of herbs and looked at its contents. There was blood on all of it.
He looked around. Could he replace it all before first light? He couldn’t even remember where he had gotten most of it. Not to mention the one that the boy had given him– he had no idea where that one was. He turned to the east. The sky near the horizon was growing lighter. There was no time. He needed to leave now.
Soren looked at the boy. He did need blood for his Binding.
The blood of an enemy he’d slain. It was something he’d been mentally preparing himself to do for over a year now. The next night, Master Alred was planning to go with him to kill a Pater.
He glanced back down at the bloody plants in his sack. He could only use the blood of one person. Otherwise, the Binding would fail. And he’d never get a second chance. He looked back toward the horizon. The light was creeping farther up into the sky while he hesitated.
He knew he had to kill the boy. The person whose blood he used had to be dead. He’d heard the stories and knew the consequences. A life of misery and pain. An early death. He grabbed the boy’s arm again, clutching the tiny wrist firmly so that he couldn’t escape. His other hand reached for the knife at his belt. He would have to do this quickly, before the child could cry out. He closed his eyes for a moment to steel himself, then looked back at the boy again.
Those big brown eyes were watching him curiously, full of innocence and trust.
Soren sighed. He would never be able to forgive himself if he killed this child. So he would have a miserable life. So he would die young. What of it? It couldn’t be worse than living his whole life with the guilt of having murdered an innocent child. And the boy had helped him, too. Was this how he repaid kindness? No. He couldn’t do that.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered. He reached for the old scrap of cloth he’d used to tie his hair back. It was a dirty old rag, but it was the best thing he could think of. He wrapped it around the boy’s hand to stop the bleeding. “You should wash that hand soon.”
“I will,” the boy promised.
Soren stood up, and the boy got up as well. The child’s head barely reached the middle of his chest. On impulse, he reached out and ruffled the boy’s soft wheat-blonde hair. Soren knew this child would probably grow up to be a Pater. Would he come to regret this decision? How many of Soren’s people would one day burn because of this? He tried not to think about it.
The sun had finally made an appearance on the horizon. Soren had to leave now, before he was caught. He ran for the fence.
“Wait!” the boy called after him, “Are you going to come back?”
Soren paused at the top of the fence. “I don’t know,” he replied, and then he dropped down to the other side and sprinted into the safety of the forest.
That boy would do best not to wish for Soren’s return. If he did go back, it would only be to kill him.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
2- An Orphan in the Fraternary
“Plead for me, Pater, for I have wronged,” Connall recited as he knelt before the old pater.
He felt Pater Barthis’s wrinkly hand on his head and heard him say, “For what wrongs shall I plead, child?”
Connall thought about it for a minute. This was the part of the day that he hated most. Having to tell the pater all of the bad things he’d done, with all of the fraters and novices right there listening. He had to make sure he listed everything that they already knew about, but he hoped the gods would forgive him if he didn’t tell the pater everything.
“I left my bed after Evening Songs and walked the grounds at night. I took bread from the kitchen when Frater Willis wasn’t looking. I climbed the trees in the garden after Frater Avrid told me not to. I climbed on the roof of the sanctum and accidentally broke one of the tiles up there. I picked grapes in the garden and ate them without permission. I went in the stables and sat on one of the travelers’ horses. . . . Oh– and I took a couple sips of ale from a traveler’s cup. But he said I could have some. And I really didn’t like it at all.”
Connall looked up. The pater’s mouth was twitching at the corners. “And do you regret your wrongs?”
“I do.”
“And will you try to resist these temptations in the future?”
“I will.”
The pater smiled. “Then you will be blessed,” he said. “Go forth and do good works in earnest.”
“Thank you, Pater.” Connall walked quietly back to his place by the wall and pretended to solemnly meditate on his wrongs. Really, he was doing what he knew everyone else must be doing. He was listening to the confessions of all the others.
Connall wasn’t the only one who left a few things out when he told the Pater his wrongs. He knew for a fact that some of the fraters and novices had done things that they didn’t mention in their confessions. There was a reason Frater Willis wasn’t skinny like all the other fraters. But he never said anything about taking food between meals. And what Frater Nicken and Frater Torence did together sometimes when they were supposed to be washing clothes . . . Connall was pretty sure that was against the rules, and he never heard anything about that in their confessions. So he figured that if even fraters left things out sometimes, he was probably okay too.
After all of the fraters and novices had finished telling the pater all their wrongs, they sang the Morning Songs and the pater released them to do their daily work.
Connall knew Frater Avrid was expecting him to go help in the garden, but he decided to take the long way so he could watch the travelers leaving.
One day, Connall would be a traveler too. He would leave the fraternary and go all over the world having adventures. The fraters all laughed when he talked about it. They seemed to think that he would grow up and become a frater like them. But he didn’t want to be some boring old frater who had to follow a bunch of extra rules and just do boring work all day. He had lived in the fraternary the whole nine years since he was found in the sanctum as a fresh-born baby, so he knew what being a frater was all about. He didn’t understand why anyone would choose to live like that when there were so many other things to do that were much more interesting.
But there were also travelers who took shelter in the fraternary’s hostel, on their way to all sorts of interesting places. Some had families with them, and some traveled with friends, and some even traveled alone. Connall liked to think that his own parents had been travelers staying there. Maybe they had been brave adventurers, about to go off somewhere much too dangerous to bring a baby. He pictured a tall, strong father with a deep, booming laugh and a beautiful mother with wheat-blonde hair and brown eyes, just like his. And of course they would both have had their own horses.
Connall said goodbye to all of the travelers that he had spoken with the day before, wishing them luck on their journeys. The man who had given him the ale winked at him and told him to stay away from women and drink. Connall promised he would, and the man laughed.
After the travelers had all left and the Fraters and Novices started cleaning the hostel and preparing it for another night, Connall headed toward the garden that supplied the kitchen, where he was sure Frater Avrid was beginning to wonder where he was.
He was right about that. He found Frater Avrid standing by the garden gate with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring down at him in that way that meant, You are in trouble. Connall ducked his head down and slowed his steps. He was not in a hurry for this lecture.
“It astounds me,” Frater Avrid began as Connall wormed through the gate and immediately crouched down in a patch of vegetables to pluck out the bits of weed that had begun to sprout there, “how you can confess your wrongs to Pater Barthis and then mere minutes later you can go running off all over the fraternary and shirk your daily work!”
Connall ducked his head even lower, making himself appear filled with contrition.
“Are you going to tell me where you’ve been?”
Connall looked up at the frater with his most innocent expression. “I stopped by the hostel along the way so I could wish the travelers a blessed journey,” he said sweetly, then for good measure he added, “The road is dangerous and they like knowing that the gods are with them in their travels.”
Frater Avrid took a deep breath like he was about to lecture some more, then he stopped and just stood there blinking at Connall for a minute. The frater obviously knew that he was only playing at innocence, but he couldn’t prove Connall false, so there was nothing that the frater could say about it. Finally he waved his hands at Connall in exasperation and said, “Just get to work!”
That day Frater Avrid gave him more tasks than usual, saying that he needed to learn the value of a hard day’s work in the service of the gods. Connall had to work at his tasks all day, stopping only for meals. The frater promised that tonight Connall would be so tired from his daily work that he wouldn’t be wanting to leave his bed at all after Evening Songs.
Connall hoped that wouldn’t prove true, because he always enjoyed wandering the fraternary grounds at night, when all of the fraters and novices were asleep and there was no one to tell him what to do.
For now, he worked hard under the frater’s sharp eye, plucking weeds and churning dirt and sprinkling water and pruning bad leaves and gathering things for the kitchen.
He felt Pater Barthis’s wrinkly hand on his head and heard him say, “For what wrongs shall I plead, child?”
Connall thought about it for a minute. This was the part of the day that he hated most. Having to tell the pater all of the bad things he’d done, with all of the fraters and novices right there listening. He had to make sure he listed everything that they already knew about, but he hoped the gods would forgive him if he didn’t tell the pater everything.
“I left my bed after Evening Songs and walked the grounds at night. I took bread from the kitchen when Frater Willis wasn’t looking. I climbed the trees in the garden after Frater Avrid told me not to. I climbed on the roof of the sanctum and accidentally broke one of the tiles up there. I picked grapes in the garden and ate them without permission. I went in the stables and sat on one of the travelers’ horses. . . . Oh– and I took a couple sips of ale from a traveler’s cup. But he said I could have some. And I really didn’t like it at all.”
Connall looked up. The pater’s mouth was twitching at the corners. “And do you regret your wrongs?”
“I do.”
“And will you try to resist these temptations in the future?”
“I will.”
The pater smiled. “Then you will be blessed,” he said. “Go forth and do good works in earnest.”
“Thank you, Pater.” Connall walked quietly back to his place by the wall and pretended to solemnly meditate on his wrongs. Really, he was doing what he knew everyone else must be doing. He was listening to the confessions of all the others.
Connall wasn’t the only one who left a few things out when he told the Pater his wrongs. He knew for a fact that some of the fraters and novices had done things that they didn’t mention in their confessions. There was a reason Frater Willis wasn’t skinny like all the other fraters. But he never said anything about taking food between meals. And what Frater Nicken and Frater Torence did together sometimes when they were supposed to be washing clothes . . . Connall was pretty sure that was against the rules, and he never heard anything about that in their confessions. So he figured that if even fraters left things out sometimes, he was probably okay too.
After all of the fraters and novices had finished telling the pater all their wrongs, they sang the Morning Songs and the pater released them to do their daily work.
Connall knew Frater Avrid was expecting him to go help in the garden, but he decided to take the long way so he could watch the travelers leaving.
One day, Connall would be a traveler too. He would leave the fraternary and go all over the world having adventures. The fraters all laughed when he talked about it. They seemed to think that he would grow up and become a frater like them. But he didn’t want to be some boring old frater who had to follow a bunch of extra rules and just do boring work all day. He had lived in the fraternary the whole nine years since he was found in the sanctum as a fresh-born baby, so he knew what being a frater was all about. He didn’t understand why anyone would choose to live like that when there were so many other things to do that were much more interesting.
But there were also travelers who took shelter in the fraternary’s hostel, on their way to all sorts of interesting places. Some had families with them, and some traveled with friends, and some even traveled alone. Connall liked to think that his own parents had been travelers staying there. Maybe they had been brave adventurers, about to go off somewhere much too dangerous to bring a baby. He pictured a tall, strong father with a deep, booming laugh and a beautiful mother with wheat-blonde hair and brown eyes, just like his. And of course they would both have had their own horses.
Connall said goodbye to all of the travelers that he had spoken with the day before, wishing them luck on their journeys. The man who had given him the ale winked at him and told him to stay away from women and drink. Connall promised he would, and the man laughed.
After the travelers had all left and the Fraters and Novices started cleaning the hostel and preparing it for another night, Connall headed toward the garden that supplied the kitchen, where he was sure Frater Avrid was beginning to wonder where he was.
He was right about that. He found Frater Avrid standing by the garden gate with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring down at him in that way that meant, You are in trouble. Connall ducked his head down and slowed his steps. He was not in a hurry for this lecture.
“It astounds me,” Frater Avrid began as Connall wormed through the gate and immediately crouched down in a patch of vegetables to pluck out the bits of weed that had begun to sprout there, “how you can confess your wrongs to Pater Barthis and then mere minutes later you can go running off all over the fraternary and shirk your daily work!”
Connall ducked his head even lower, making himself appear filled with contrition.
“Are you going to tell me where you’ve been?”
Connall looked up at the frater with his most innocent expression. “I stopped by the hostel along the way so I could wish the travelers a blessed journey,” he said sweetly, then for good measure he added, “The road is dangerous and they like knowing that the gods are with them in their travels.”
Frater Avrid took a deep breath like he was about to lecture some more, then he stopped and just stood there blinking at Connall for a minute. The frater obviously knew that he was only playing at innocence, but he couldn’t prove Connall false, so there was nothing that the frater could say about it. Finally he waved his hands at Connall in exasperation and said, “Just get to work!”
That day Frater Avrid gave him more tasks than usual, saying that he needed to learn the value of a hard day’s work in the service of the gods. Connall had to work at his tasks all day, stopping only for meals. The frater promised that tonight Connall would be so tired from his daily work that he wouldn’t be wanting to leave his bed at all after Evening Songs.
Connall hoped that wouldn’t prove true, because he always enjoyed wandering the fraternary grounds at night, when all of the fraters and novices were asleep and there was no one to tell him what to do.
For now, he worked hard under the frater’s sharp eye, plucking weeds and churning dirt and sprinkling water and pruning bad leaves and gathering things for the kitchen.
1- A Boy With Potential
Soren rubbed at his eyes and looked up from his diagram. The sun was just starting to peek out from the eastern horizon, making the sky glow and turning the clouds to odd colors. Master Alred glanced up as well. “First light,” he declared, “Soren, you’d better get to your bed. You have an important night coming and it’s best if you are rested for it.”
Soren’s stomach began to jump again. He had just finally managed to forget about that. He nodded and thanked the master for staying up all night to help him study.
“Nonsense, boy. In two days we’ll be mentor and acolyte. I have no desire to mentor an uneducated simpleton.”
Soren glanced away from the older man’s kind eyes. “You say that like you know it for certain,” he muttered.
Master Alred laid a gentle hand on Soren’s shoulder. “That’s because it is certain. And don’t you doubt it.”
Soren smiled for him and stood up to leave. His fourteen-year-old bones creaked and popped like an elder’s as he unfolded his legs and straightened his back. He had been sitting by Master Alred’s fire, bent over his studies, since first light the day before.
If he was still alive by first light tomorrow, he would already have almost everything he needed for his Binding, and he would be preparing to kill a man for the first time.
And by first light the next day, he would be known to everyone as either an acolyte . . . or a failure.
He left the master feeling nauseous and jittery and not at all sleepy, but even so he headed for the other side of the camp, toward his uncle’s tent and the bed that waited for him there.
The sky was gradually lightening, but it was filtered through all the trees so that it barely touched the ground, leaving Soren to walk in the dark. This would be a problem for most, but Soren was different. The children of those who were Covenant-bound were what his people called “fae-blessed”, and in addition to having a sort of inhuman-looking beauty about their features, being fae-blessed also had other slight advantages, like sharper hearing, and being able to see better than most when it was dark out. For Soren, whose parents had both been bound by the Covenant, the difference was even more pronounced than it was for those who had only one Covenant-bound parent.
And that was how, for all their shallow breathing and careful sneaking, Soren knew he was being followed. He stopped and sighed. He decided he might as well just get this over with. Even if he were close enough to his uncle’s tent to make a dash for it– which he wasn’t– he would be easily outrun by the others. Soren wasn’t the fastest or most athletic of boys, by any means.
“I know you’re there,” he called. “Why don’t you just come on out?”
He found himself surrounded by the usual four boys. They worked with the herds alongside Soren’s uncle, but that had never stopped them from doing things like this. The leader of the gang was Cowan, a big stupid hunk of muscle who was three years older than Soren. He was popular with the girls and was friends with most of the boys, but for some reason he had always hated Soren.
“I heard your Binding is coming up,” Cowan smirked. “What a joke.”
The others all laughed as they closed in around him.
“I guess in a couple days everyone will know what a big fraud you are.” He shoved Soren up against a tree and two of his friends grabbed his arms to hold him in place. Cowan leaned in so that his face was a mere finger’s width away from Soren’s, and Soren could smell the stench of the herds mixed with the odor of Cowan’s sweat, all overpowered by the stink of his breath. “Not that anyone will be surprised.”
Soren’s breath was knocked out of him as Cowan’s fist collided with his abdomen. Soren doubled over, struggling to take another breath as all four boys began kicking him. He curled into a ball and waited for it to be over. He’d learned long ago not to fight back. It only made them angrier, and he only ended up getting beaten up worse. Even if it weren’t four against one, Soren wasn’t nearly strong enough to beat any of them in a fight. There was no way to win.
Just when he thought he couldn’t take any more, the beating slowed to a stop. “You can’t be fae-blessed and Covenant-bound,” Cowan told him. “No one can be both.” Soren felt a wad of spit land in his ear, then heard the boys’ footsteps as they trudged off toward the herds, laughing along the way at how pathetic he was.
Soren lay there for a long time before he tried to move. After a while, he slowly reached up to wipe the spit from his ear. His entire body was hurting. He didn’t think he had the strength to walk the rest of the way to his uncle’s tent now. Instead he managed to pull himself up onto his hands and knees and crawl just a short distance to take shelter under a large bush. He curled up in the cool darkness and closed his eyes. His fae-blessed body would heal up quickly if he could just get some sleep.
No one can be both.
It was true. Among his people, it had always been a well-known fact that the children of the Covenant-bound were not eligible to be bound themselves. The fae-blessed didn’t have the potential inside them. That was why everyone had been so confused when Elder Maebys had declared that four-year-old Soren had the potential. No one had believed her. The elder herself had double- and triple-checked to make certain it wasn’t a mistake. But in the end she had insisted that it was so. Soren the Twice-Blessed, who had two Covenant-bound parents, was somehow eligible for a Binding himself.
Master Alred, who had been mentored by Elder Maebys when he was just an acolyte and who had been a close friend of Soren’s father, had taken Soren on as one of his pupils, despite the fact that he didn’t really believe that a fae-blessed child could be bound. And even now, when the time for Soren’s Binding had finally come, none of the other Covenant-bound were willing to mentor him. That was why Master Alred had taken it upon himself to be his mentor. The master now claimed that he had been convinced. He said he believed now that Soren had the potential and that his Binding would be successful. But Soren could tell that Master Alred still had his doubts. He could tell that, just like everyone else, the master wouldn’t really believe in Soren’s potential until he actually saw Soren bound.
Still, the master was kind to him, and Soren loved him like a father. His uncle Rudan had also been very good to him. When Soren’s parents were killed by the Paters, his mother’s brother had taken him in as a baby and raised him as his own son. Rudan didn’t really believe Soren had the potential either, but he had enough respect for the Covenant that he had allowed Soren to go to lessons with Master Alred all these years instead of making him tend the herds with him.
Just thinking of going through all the preparations for the Binding ritual, of risking his life to sneak those herbs out of the Paters’ garden, of cutting open a man’s flesh with his own hands and watching his life go out of him, of standing there naked in front of everyone he’d ever known and reciting the sacred oaths while he was burned and bled, of having all the power and responsibility that came with being bound– all of those things made him plenty anxious enough. But the thought of doing all of that . . . and then nothing happening– that was Soren’s greatest fear. He had nightmares about standing before everyone, naked and covered in blood and ashes, and hearing Elder Maebys saying, “I guess I was wrong about him after all . . .” That fear was enough to make him think of just running away.
If only he weren’t so obviously fae-blessed, then he might actually leave. But as he was, the Paters would take one look at him and know where he came from. Soren was sure of that. Then again, perhaps being burned alive would be preferable to being known for the rest of his life as that stupid fae-blessed boy who actually thought he could be bound.
Soren’s stomach began to jump again. He had just finally managed to forget about that. He nodded and thanked the master for staying up all night to help him study.
“Nonsense, boy. In two days we’ll be mentor and acolyte. I have no desire to mentor an uneducated simpleton.”
Soren glanced away from the older man’s kind eyes. “You say that like you know it for certain,” he muttered.
Master Alred laid a gentle hand on Soren’s shoulder. “That’s because it is certain. And don’t you doubt it.”
Soren smiled for him and stood up to leave. His fourteen-year-old bones creaked and popped like an elder’s as he unfolded his legs and straightened his back. He had been sitting by Master Alred’s fire, bent over his studies, since first light the day before.
If he was still alive by first light tomorrow, he would already have almost everything he needed for his Binding, and he would be preparing to kill a man for the first time.
And by first light the next day, he would be known to everyone as either an acolyte . . . or a failure.
He left the master feeling nauseous and jittery and not at all sleepy, but even so he headed for the other side of the camp, toward his uncle’s tent and the bed that waited for him there.
The sky was gradually lightening, but it was filtered through all the trees so that it barely touched the ground, leaving Soren to walk in the dark. This would be a problem for most, but Soren was different. The children of those who were Covenant-bound were what his people called “fae-blessed”, and in addition to having a sort of inhuman-looking beauty about their features, being fae-blessed also had other slight advantages, like sharper hearing, and being able to see better than most when it was dark out. For Soren, whose parents had both been bound by the Covenant, the difference was even more pronounced than it was for those who had only one Covenant-bound parent.
And that was how, for all their shallow breathing and careful sneaking, Soren knew he was being followed. He stopped and sighed. He decided he might as well just get this over with. Even if he were close enough to his uncle’s tent to make a dash for it– which he wasn’t– he would be easily outrun by the others. Soren wasn’t the fastest or most athletic of boys, by any means.
“I know you’re there,” he called. “Why don’t you just come on out?”
He found himself surrounded by the usual four boys. They worked with the herds alongside Soren’s uncle, but that had never stopped them from doing things like this. The leader of the gang was Cowan, a big stupid hunk of muscle who was three years older than Soren. He was popular with the girls and was friends with most of the boys, but for some reason he had always hated Soren.
“I heard your Binding is coming up,” Cowan smirked. “What a joke.”
The others all laughed as they closed in around him.
“I guess in a couple days everyone will know what a big fraud you are.” He shoved Soren up against a tree and two of his friends grabbed his arms to hold him in place. Cowan leaned in so that his face was a mere finger’s width away from Soren’s, and Soren could smell the stench of the herds mixed with the odor of Cowan’s sweat, all overpowered by the stink of his breath. “Not that anyone will be surprised.”
Soren’s breath was knocked out of him as Cowan’s fist collided with his abdomen. Soren doubled over, struggling to take another breath as all four boys began kicking him. He curled into a ball and waited for it to be over. He’d learned long ago not to fight back. It only made them angrier, and he only ended up getting beaten up worse. Even if it weren’t four against one, Soren wasn’t nearly strong enough to beat any of them in a fight. There was no way to win.
Just when he thought he couldn’t take any more, the beating slowed to a stop. “You can’t be fae-blessed and Covenant-bound,” Cowan told him. “No one can be both.” Soren felt a wad of spit land in his ear, then heard the boys’ footsteps as they trudged off toward the herds, laughing along the way at how pathetic he was.
Soren lay there for a long time before he tried to move. After a while, he slowly reached up to wipe the spit from his ear. His entire body was hurting. He didn’t think he had the strength to walk the rest of the way to his uncle’s tent now. Instead he managed to pull himself up onto his hands and knees and crawl just a short distance to take shelter under a large bush. He curled up in the cool darkness and closed his eyes. His fae-blessed body would heal up quickly if he could just get some sleep.
No one can be both.
It was true. Among his people, it had always been a well-known fact that the children of the Covenant-bound were not eligible to be bound themselves. The fae-blessed didn’t have the potential inside them. That was why everyone had been so confused when Elder Maebys had declared that four-year-old Soren had the potential. No one had believed her. The elder herself had double- and triple-checked to make certain it wasn’t a mistake. But in the end she had insisted that it was so. Soren the Twice-Blessed, who had two Covenant-bound parents, was somehow eligible for a Binding himself.
Master Alred, who had been mentored by Elder Maebys when he was just an acolyte and who had been a close friend of Soren’s father, had taken Soren on as one of his pupils, despite the fact that he didn’t really believe that a fae-blessed child could be bound. And even now, when the time for Soren’s Binding had finally come, none of the other Covenant-bound were willing to mentor him. That was why Master Alred had taken it upon himself to be his mentor. The master now claimed that he had been convinced. He said he believed now that Soren had the potential and that his Binding would be successful. But Soren could tell that Master Alred still had his doubts. He could tell that, just like everyone else, the master wouldn’t really believe in Soren’s potential until he actually saw Soren bound.
Still, the master was kind to him, and Soren loved him like a father. His uncle Rudan had also been very good to him. When Soren’s parents were killed by the Paters, his mother’s brother had taken him in as a baby and raised him as his own son. Rudan didn’t really believe Soren had the potential either, but he had enough respect for the Covenant that he had allowed Soren to go to lessons with Master Alred all these years instead of making him tend the herds with him.
Just thinking of going through all the preparations for the Binding ritual, of risking his life to sneak those herbs out of the Paters’ garden, of cutting open a man’s flesh with his own hands and watching his life go out of him, of standing there naked in front of everyone he’d ever known and reciting the sacred oaths while he was burned and bled, of having all the power and responsibility that came with being bound– all of those things made him plenty anxious enough. But the thought of doing all of that . . . and then nothing happening– that was Soren’s greatest fear. He had nightmares about standing before everyone, naked and covered in blood and ashes, and hearing Elder Maebys saying, “I guess I was wrong about him after all . . .” That fear was enough to make him think of just running away.
If only he weren’t so obviously fae-blessed, then he might actually leave. But as he was, the Paters would take one look at him and know where he came from. Soren was sure of that. Then again, perhaps being burned alive would be preferable to being known for the rest of his life as that stupid fae-blessed boy who actually thought he could be bound.
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